Yes, go ahead! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
What an utterly useless modern encumbrance! It is a parasite upon our lives that sucks our precious resources. It is a tapeworm in our belly. It is as stupid as the tie that is worn around the neck of a businessman, which at least serves the purpose of letting you hang yourself with it. The lawn offers no such end to misery, but only perpetual misery and toil.
Let's face it: having a lawn turns you into its slave. Let us count the many ways that lawns are moronic and a greater threat to humanity than terrorism...
You water it... with drinking water, no less!!! California - and the world in general these days - has enough trouble with fresh water shortages as it is, without you pouring away hundreds of gallons of precious fresh drinking water on a plane of decorative vegetation. And it takes time to mindlessly water a lawn with a hose, so perhaps you invest in expensive irrigation systems, in which case it saps your money. But time is money, so what's the difference - the lawn isn't picky.
You weed it (what futility). You spray pesticides, fungicides, and herbicides on it. You inhale the cancer causing chemicals. You reseed it. You fertilize it... with petroleum based fertilizers, thereby supporting Middle Eastern terrorists, however indirectly.
You mow it (using petroleum, thereby supporting Middle Eastern terrorists and tyrannical regimes, however indirectly). You have to buy the lawnmower. You have to maintain the lawnmower and keep it running well. You have to keep its blades sharp. You risk amptutating a limb or a toe in some accident by being stupid or just not paying attention. You wake the neighbors who are trying to sleep in late on Sunday by firing up the mower. You get woken up yourself to the cacophony of lawnmowers maoning away, while you're trying in vain to sleep in on what should be a restful, lazy weekend day.
You get down on your hands and knees and reduce yourself to the indignity of digging in the dirt to pry loose the most stubborn of nature's lawn invading weeds.
You spend all this precious money sustaining your stupid lawn, lovingly (or not), almost as though it were one of your very own children. And, in all likelihood, it doesn't even reward your hard labors by looking perfect like your children. Its mediocre and possibly even sad and desperate appearance is a slap in the face. You're a sucker, fool. You've been conned! You pay the price for not questioning, and not challenging stupid societal conventions.
And what good does all this servitude do you? Your lawn stands as some kind of perverted ornament outside your house - a monument to what?!?! And, if you're lucky, it at least looks decent and doesn't end up being a source of shame and derision within your neighborhood - a testament to your failure as a human being, as it browns and gets blotchy, and as a forest of weeds assert their wild spirit.
How many people have you ever seen using their lawns recreationally? Maybe 5% of the time a lawn has utility value? At what price!?!? Having a lawn invariably just ends up serving the interests of corporate beasts like Monsanto, with their petroleum based environmental poisons that cause all manner of untold hardship to our ecosystem.
Lawns should be killed, en masse. There should be a movement... a very, very radical movement... a grassroots movement to kill the grass, to root out this pernicious evil. It is time for this institution to go. We should free our yards to the will of the wilderness. We should permit the local vegetation to take hold, and create form and beauty around the shape it wishes to take.
Xeriscaping is a much better alternative to the feeble lawn. Even better still, practice zeroscaping: the pursuit of the underlying goals of xeriscaping, but through the practice of doing little to none of said "scaping". Zeroscaping is all about using zero water and putting zero (or as close to zero as possible) maintenance into the yard. We're talking river rocks here... or brick paving... or AstroTurf... or - if you wish to stoop so low - concrete.
Lawns truly do piss me off. I just find them utterly offensive, now that I understand what they mean and what their impact on the environment is. Bring on the stones! Amen!!! I now belong to the Sacred Order of No Lawn, a spiritual society pursuing mysticism in the time that is freed up from not having to maintain a lawn.