The US federal government would like Americans to consume more mercury. To this end, the FDA has launched Operation Quicksilver - a campaign to make the public aware of the many, often overlooked beneficial effects of a diet rich in mercury.
For instance, before dying, individuals on a mercury-based diet have been found to achieve phenomenal results in weight reduction - a huge plus in a society so beset with obesity-related illnesses. Moreover, a mercury rich diet is now seriously being considered as one part of a multipronged approach to addressing the problem of future Social Security shortfalls. By dramatically decreasing the life expectancy of Americans stupid enough to reelect George W Bush as well as those Americans helpless to unelect him, the number of aging baby boomers still alive to collect social security payments is dramatically reduced. In conservative political circles, this new radical policy thinking is being popularly referred to as "unwelfare reform". At its core, the aim of unwelfare reform is to deal with future problems by working to ensure that there is no future.
Critics of the plan to promote mercury consumption point to scientific evidence that mercury is harmful to biological lifeforms and also argue that it just plain tastes bad. But proponents counter that anyone opposed to mercury in our diets supports terrorists and hates America. In an effort to escape the historically negative associations of mercury, federal officials working under close direction of Operation Quicksilver plan to positively engage the public using a fresh branding initiative for mercury. Mercury will now be referred to in all government reports and documents as "Vitamin M" - the much overlooked and underappreciated nutrient.
There is even talk of a mandatory nutritional supplementation program for milk, whereby milk that is currently only supplemented with vitamins A and D would in future contain supplements of vitamins M, A and D. For marketing purposes, a potentially lethal amount of vitamin E will also be added and then the milk will be promoted under the label "M.A.D.E. in USA", so that the ignorant public eager to support anything even vaguely hinting at patriotism in the wake of 9/11 will overlook the presence of poisonous levels of mercury in the milk that they pack in little Johnny's lunchbox. Another branding idea that has been floated is to label all Operation Quicksilver milk with an American flag logo where all the stars are substituted with little white M's. Sign me up for ten crates. USA! USA!
Earlier this month, promotional videos to be used as part of Operation Quicksilver's public awareness campaign were leaked to the press. One such video is said to feature a segment with Homer Simpson saying "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .............. mercury ......... aaargrrrgrgrgrhghghghghhhhhhhhh" before chugging down a pint of thick and dark Double Mercury Duff at Moe's. At the end of the video, a supposed nutritional scientist wearing what appears to be a white labcoat declares "Vitamin M: because you can't spell 'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm' without 'M'".
Industrialists close to the Bush administration are eager to step up to the plate and back up this bold new directive with their loyal and unflinching support - because the American people deserve no less. Some companies accused of excessive mercury contamination under the old and outdated EPA guidelines for mercury have even offered to augment their effluent outlet systems with mercury infusion systems to accelerate the poisoning of rivers and groundwater. One company - Mercury Augmentation Devices (MAD:NASDAQ) - is said to even have pioneered a technology that they boast could achieve 100% mercury coverage of the lower 48 states before the end of George W Bush's second term. This same company has in the past been commissioned by the federal government to neutralize and remove mercury from contaminated Superfund sites, and they claim to be fully capable of neutralizing all mercury augmentation of the environment at an astronomical cost should government policy regarding mercury ever revert back in the future.
With America's drinking water fluoridation program being such a resounding success - as evidenced by the millions of American children proudly sporting their shining, all-American, fluorosis-mottled teeth - the government's little known Department of Unsuspecting Public Experimentation (DUPE) is slated to initiate a program to mercurinate in the rivers, lakes and reservoirs of this great land. Arsenic, after all, needs another highly poisonous metallic element to keep it company. And look out for the new toothpastes with unprecedented cavity-fighting power, thanks to the Fluoride-Mercury one-two knockout punch in your teeth. Now that mercury is being used less and less in dental fillings, God-fearing Americans everywhere must find another way to get the mercury their mouth's deserve.
I can taste the future, and it tastes like mercury. Get ready to eat poison and love it.